Memos To Rockstar: INXS

INXS: You are old men. Stop trying to pretend that you aren't.

Mig's Leather Trousers: Good on ya.

Sound Crew: If you're going to have a choir, string section and brass ensemble, mic the place so the TV audience can actually hear them, and, in the case of the choir, please provide them with monitors so THEY can hear the band and themselves.

Brooke Burke's Boots: Why?

Ty: I like it when you sing. You're a lovely man. I think you would stink as the frontman of INXS.

JD: I KNEW YOU USED TO PRETEND TO BE ELVIS! I totally called it last week - or was that the week before last? No matter. Boo to you for copping out and using a backing vocalist to double your vocals for more then half of your song. Asshat.

Marty: You're growing on me, young man, and I think it's because you're really starting to try to sing instead of shout. Thing is, I think you'd be so damn unhappy if you were chosen to be INXS' singer-guy. They're old men. The don't want to break out of their mold and join the future, let alone think about the present.

Jordis: I am so glad that you decided to accompany yourself on the guitar, because I think it stopped you from over-singing your song. However, I think concentrating on singing and playing actually made you falter on holding some of your notes and your performance kind of fell flat for me. But you sure looked pretty. And your dad was adorable in his dashiki.

Mig: Oh, Mig. Not your best vocal performance, but mister, you put on the kind of kinetic, sexy performance that one associates with the late Michael Hutchence. And, I think, you dealt well with a song that doesn't actually allow for a lot of singing.

Suzie: You surprised me. I think you were in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation with "Bohemian Rhapsody". Do you try to hit notes that you know are out of your range and fail, or cop out and let the backing singers take over? My, my. I will say, however, that your earnest singing into the camera made me snort like nothing else last night. EVEN MORE THEN JD'S ELVIS CONFESSION.

On tap for tomorrow: The elimination episode, and a two-men-enter-one-man-leaves cage match comparison between Rockstar: INXS and R U the Girl.

It's Tuesday Morning. That Must Mean...

It's Rockstar: INXS in the Mansion recap day!

The Rockstar contestants are sad. And crying. And they sit around, listening to a song that Mig and the recently booted Deanna wrote and recorded on what I can only assume was a boombox stored in a metal garbage can. But, you know what? Goddamn if it isn't a really lovely song. It makes me wonder why she didn't go with that sucker when it came for her original song performance. And then I see everyone all teary-eyed, and I wonder if they're paying crocidiles a licensing fee for those tears.

The in-house challenge this week involved learning a new INXS song that will appear on the forthcoming marketing effort that the winner will sing on. JD? JD, for all his "I'm SUPERFAN and a PERFECTIONIST" decides to not learn the song. When it's his turn to go into the studio to record a version of the song with the band, he can't get through a single take without screwing up. I start to wonder if he's an evil genius and this is just part of his plan to blow everyone away with his PERFECTIONISM and SUPERFANDOM onstage this week. Then I remember that he's just an asshat.

Suzie surprises me with how good she sounds in-studio. I think she surprised the band as well. Jordis tries to give the song her own spin and is shut down. "I like the way it was written better. Do that" she is told. Bwaaaaa. Marty does his typical "impassioned" screaming and is forced to tone it down. When he does, you realize that sometimes, just sometimes, he can actually sing. Ty sounds like Ty. He is beginning to bore me. Mig's rendition is absolutely lovely and when he sings, he sounds empathetic and achy and passionate. I still think the monkey has it in the bag.

Crazy iconic Hits of the 60's, 70's and 80's! songs are on tap for performance this week. Suzie and Mig had it out over Bohemian Rhapsody, which Mig gave to Suzie because he said he realized that performing the song would only showcase his already proven theatrical side, which could be detrimental in the judging. I also think he knows just how hard a song it is to sing and perform. Suzie's got herself in for a hard, hard time tonight.

I May Have Neglected To Mention That the Pirate Is Nekkid

Probably because it was so disturbing.





















It's disturbing, makes me feel dirty, and yet...yet it is also COMPELLING.

After taking a shower in an attempt to wash off the grime, I sat down and interviewed the scurvvy man, in order to get to the bottom of his lack of clothing.



I can't even tell you what he told me. IT'S TOO SHOCKING.

SHOCKING, I TELL YOU.

Okay, It Really Is Monday

Who knew? Funny how a calendar works like that.

The excellent bit first: The painting that I bought is on it's way to my house. I am impatient and so very much looking forward to testing it on walls to see where it wants to hang.

The question next: Why aren't you using Google Talk? Yes, I'm talking to you. Voice chat! NO CHARGE. You want to talk to me, don't you? Get on it, dammit.

PS: A friend sent me a wonderful package of goodies in return for giving her one of my wigs (wig!). In it was a bendy smiley face pirate figure, who had not only a hook hand and a parrot, but a WOODEN LEG as well.

I feel a photo essay coming on.

The Day I Pretend is Monday

Which would be today. What, it isn't Monday, and I haven't taken the day off? Oh, man. I have a feeling that my internal calendar won't be getting back to normal any time soon. An upcoming super-long weekend to visit a dear friend in Chicago (Oh, Chicago) pretty much guarantees it. But you know, I'm pretty okay with that. Because, GODDAMN, Chicago.

So I have an odd relationship with my family. Not my parents and brother, who I feel I'm really close with, but with my extended family, on both of my parents' sides. I have nothing in common with a single member of my huge pool o' relations, except for that whole DNA thing. When I was a child, I think the only word I could use to describe how my cousins treated both my brother and I would be abusive. Thankfully, my parents moved us out of their hometown early on in my life, and I barely saw the people who might call me family, excepting, of course, over Christmas, and, in the case of my grandparents, on other major holiday type occassions.

I bring this up because my only remaining grandparent is going to die soon. I feel bad for my Oma, but, truth be told, I feel more bad, and, really only upset about the fact that it's making my mom sad. Sometimes I wish that I could feel more for the situation, but at the same time, I'm glad that I don't. I was never marked as one of my Oma's special favourites, and was often brushed aside as insignificant as I wasn't in possession of a penis.

Sometimes I think I'm bitter about the fact that I never had a loving grandparents. Other times, well, most of the time, I couldn't care less. I guess you don't really know what you don't have if you've never experienced it.

Masochistic Much?

Yes, yes, I am.

I just finished my quarterly set of sessions with my personal trainer to rejig my weight training program, and, goddamn, am I all hurty-exerty. And I freaking love it.

Why? Because new and fun weight exercises. And also, I get to prove how MONSTER STRONG I am.

In other news, I currently have no idea what day it is. Okay, I know, but my body? It's not convinced. Saturday, what?

Okay then.

I Am a Mad Geek

Proof: I just bought a headset so I could freaking talk over the Internet. And I found myself thinking about William Gibson, and how awesome things would be if we really could just jack things straight into our heads. But only if it didn't fuck up my hair.

Because I have my priorities straight.

You're Not Right for Our Band, INXS

I reckon INXS knew who they wanted to go and who they wanted to stay before the performances even started, and gave Ty, Deanna and Marty songs that they could either be garunteed not to stink up, or songs that would cause them to fail, no matter what.

"What You Need" + Ty = what you would expect

"Don't Change" consists of, say, 5 notes, all of which fall into Marty's range. So he did well.

"Elegantly Wasted" moves from the super-low to mid-range, and Deanna, when confronted with low notes, falls into a grunt instead of singing actual notes. So she stunk it up even more then usual. I think she knew she was the one who was going to get the boot with the Farris (who can really tell the hairy brothers apart at this stage in the game? I can't) asked her if she thought she liked singing INXS songs. Especially since you could tell from his inflection that he? He didn't like her singing INXS songs.

Also, apparently, the band is now called "Our band, INXS".

Schmaltzstar: INXS

The Performance Episode


Last night really was Ty's night. His co-written song (PS: his interview footage, where he quietly and quickly tacked on 'co-written with Deanna' freaking RULED) and his performance were mad-solid. Note: that doesn't mean "good", but really, does good come into account on this show?

Suzie - innocuous and boring. Same old, same old. That is, until the sing-a-long with the rest of the competitors and the stage dive. The fuck? Oh, Suzie, you pandering harlot. You're so going to be in the bottom three tonight.

JD - I've said it elsewhere and I'll say it again. He may be the asshat, but he's the asshat who knows how to work this contest during the competition episodes. I am wondering, however, if the Elvis estate will be suing him for lifting the King's stage antics.

Deanna - Oh, Seizure Girl, how much you need to leave this show tonight, I can't even tell you. I am happy, however, that you are very skilled at make-up application. Perhaps you can do something with that when you go back to your real life. Your "co-written" song (ha! And also, ahem) was familiar in not a good way. Ty, I know you stole the intro and bridge from some random heavy rock songs - I will find you out and expose you!

Ty - Better then last week, indeed. Why, however, do the other contestants agree to this whole backing vocal thing? Hi, let's let the band see us as only backing singers! What an excellent strategy.

Mig - trite lyrics (castles in the sky?) paired with trousers that featured a LOOK AT MY CROTCH applique. And yet, his performance made it work. I still think the little monkey is going to win this thing.

Marty - Seriously, the man has no range. He won't be able to handle INXS songs. That is all.

Jordis - The Golden Child screws up, mad and largely. But I liked what she was wearing?

Note to INXS and Navarro: air-instrumentation is the most annoying thing a man can do when there is music playing. I'm just saying.

There's No Crying in Rock 'n' Roll!

Rockstar: INXS In the Mansion Recap

Oh, the happenings in Rockstar Colon INXS. And although I sometimes think that watching this show really is like witnessing a Rockstar Colonoscopy, I WON'T EVER MISS AN EPISODE. Because I am masochistic like that.

On with the circus freaks!

• Mig's wife paid him a visit. Adorable.
• Suzie screwed herself. Because, apparently, she thought she could control the luck of a draw names out of a hat method of choosing who would perform original songs on tonight's show instead of using logic and charm to get her way.
• Suzie cries because she screwed herself and attempts to manipulate Mig and Deanna into trading their spot to perform an original song for her classic rock number.
• Mig decided to actually make himself a priority in the competition after Suzie screwed herself. Thank fucking God.
  
• JD continues to ass it up.
• Deanna reveals herself to be not only unable to write a song, but also discloses, if only be appearance, that she is a close blood relative of Skeltor.

I am Stubborn. Like Mule!

I have so much crap to cart to work with me tomorrow, it's amazing. AMAZING, I TELL YOU. Tomorrow, I bring with me the following:

• The usual mountain of food. Hi, I eat all the time. Fuel for my crazy-fast running engine!
• My lady-like bag filled with lady-like crap.
• The Action Hero! commission series.
• Presents a-plenty for my soon to be going-back-to-grad-school co-op student.

Thing is, I hate having to make multiple trips, so you know I'm going to attempt to carry everything out of my house, to my car, and then into the office in one swoop.

Thank God I am strong. Like Godzilla.

In Sean Combs news, "I wear white because I'm a child of God."

Ahhhhh!

Damn, It's Hard to Mention a Monkey in Every Post

It really, really is.

God, I'm so anxious to hear what my client thinks of Action Hero. I sent her the picture below, as well as close ups of all of the individual pieces. I want her to love it. I want her to adore it. And maybe I'm putting too much stock in this, but the fact that she works at the Royal Ontario Museum, and contacted me to make something for her, it just freaks me out. But in a good way?

Oh, the need for outer validation.

Love me! Love my art! Hi, I'm an ass.

The Commission! She is Done!

I BUY PAINTING!

With the money that I'm making from the artwork below. Ha? Just re-investing in the artistic atmosphere.

What?

Okay then.

PS: Yes, it's by one of my art crushes, Kathie Olivas.

Details:
. Oil on canvas
. 8" x 16"

Here's a secret - it kind of reminds me of me and my parents' pooch Zoloft.

Lovely and disturbing, oh my.

Is That a Wig in Your Bag, or are You Just Happy to See Me?

Bag inventory:

. Wallet
. Cellphone
. Umbrella
. Make-up satchel
. Wig

Don't ask.

On my path to becoming a Peanut Butter Wizard, I picked up some artificial banana flavouring, so I can attempt to copy PB Loco's Jungle Banana Peanut Butter, and appease the monkey's demands for more. I'm also on the lookout for a kickass spice shop so I can pick up the ingredients for a yellow curry powder and a really, really good cinammon so I can copy their Asian Curry and Sumatra Cinammon flavours as well. It will be like a Designer Imposters lab in my kitchen! Except with peanut butter, and not perfume.

Talking about perfume, I'm looking for a really good chocolate scent, without any overpowering florals, please and thank you. Any suggestions?

I Need to Train the Monkeys to Give Shoulder Massages

I had forgotten just how involving making art is. The mental zone, it is lovely. Tuning out everything and concentrating on the canvas in front of you until you look up and realize that hours have passed. The physical knotting of the muscles? Not so pleasant. But the end product? Oh, oh it is so worth it.

Attack of the Flat Irons!

Suzie, Deanna and Jessica were attacked by a flat iron. And now they, with their suppa-straight locks, must battle it out on stage.

My hair is straighter then yours, BITCH!

And so it starts. Suzie and "By My Side". Cat in heat. But the hair has been flipped and REMAINS STRAIGHT, even when she falls to her knees on stage.

Oh, snap! Jessica is performing "Mystify", one of my favourite INXS songs. She's making me hate it. Possibly because she's singing it from the back of her throat through her nose. And, lady, this song is all about sex. Thankfully, you're not bringing it, but, well, you need to bring it.

A boy who stalked me in highschool sent me a mixed tape that featured Never Tear Us Apart on it. Deanna is now giving me flashbacks. Also, why does she think she's Janis Joplin?

A Farris is being very emphatic that they have to protect the future of their band. Apparently, the only way of doing so is to send Jessica home. Instead of, oh, not looking for a singer through a glorified game show?

Okay then.

Monkey Mig, I Do Love Your Way

Mig looked like he was going to cry when INXS called him up for the encore performance. And now, look at him gaining fans by playing the big man, inviting Jordis and Marty to sing with him, and yet ensuring that they serve as his back up singers so he can show off his own voice.

Well played, little monkey. Well played, indeed.

See No Evil

Except I did, and it was wonderful. All in the format of Rockstar: INXS.

I now give you performance notes:

Mig, you little monkey, I adore you.

I was startled and confused by Deanna's outfit. Tits popping out in the front, ass that looked like tits sliding out of the back. What? I just don’t understand!

Suzie, you are neither Gwen Stephani, Madonna or Christina Aguilera. Please give the 50's pincurl back its proper owner.

JD, do you really think that because you're the most all around talented musician that the band is going to forget that you're an asshat? They know that they're going to have to actually spend time with the winner. And who in their right mind would want to do that with you? No one, that's who. Also, wearing that ugly hat (was that a tribute to Brandon?) on your head only serves to remind: ASS HAT.

Ty's plaid pants and tamborine slinging…I don't even know where to begin. Tamborines can only be held by men who exude raw, animalistic sex appeal, or else they just look funny. Guess what? Ty has all the sexual magnatism of a prepubescent girl who's afraid of her own body. Gahhhh.

Marty's take on Hit Me Baby, One More Time was kitschy, but, at the same time, sadly disappointing. I ascribe this to his seemingly inability to move while singing.

Mig, Mig, I will be shocked if you don't win this thing.

What Happens When Monkey Get Their Paws on Sharp Things?

They cut them up to pieces.

I just spent the past hour and a half cutting up magazine ads and fashion spreads that contained the colour red for use on my commission.

And the monkey paws are clasped and raised above my head in exultation at how damn cleaver I was to invest in a paper cutter.

Monkey Caboose

I may have just requested that my friend's husband hold up a sign with the words MONKEY CABOOSE on it when he comes to pick me up at the Chicago airport when I embark on my Labour Day weekend vacation. Whoops?

Gah, I am an old, old person. Either that, or easily bored by unfunny sitcoms. While waiting for Rockstar: INXS to start last night, I fell asleep during the last five minutes of its lead-in show, "Two and a Half Men". And when I woke up from my wee nap, there were only 5 minutes left to the wonder that is the in-the-house recap episode. Well, at least I saw INXS saying, under their collective breaths, that the sing-along at the restuarant table led by Ty, Mig and Jessica was corny. And the aghast and horrified faces of the contestants when they were assigned songs by the band. But still, what did I miss? How will I survive, waiting for the reshowing on Sunday on Prime?

PS: Marty, many a band has done a rock version of "Hit Me Baby, One More Time". You're not the first, and dude, you sure as hell won't be the last.

Monkeys will have Friends!

I feel like I am building a wardrobe based around animals. Not tacky animal prints, mind you, but animals.

Monkey shoes? Check.
Zebra skirt? Check.
Horse t-shirt? Hey, now, is that a check? Yes, yes it is.

That's right, I ordered a horse t-shirt this afternoon. Lookee:































It's by a company called Option-G. I can't wait for it to arrive.

In artwork news, I invested in a swing arm paper cutter so that I stem my MONKEY CLAW condition from worsening.

Some Monkeys have Rainbow Coloured Asses

Mine? Mine is not. However, it is now blushing as a result of embarrassment and feelings of being contrite. Why? Because I missed a friend's play that I was supposed to attend this weekend. I started work on the commission piece (see below) on Saturday, and before I knew it, I looked up at the clock and it was 5:30 PM. The play? It started at 6:00 PM. In a city an hours drive away.

I am an ass. Except not a delightfully happy rainbow coloured one.

Kate, my apologies. Gahhhh.

Monkey Paw

They're supposed to grant wishes, you know. In my case, they make funny ha-ha art.

While working on my commission today, I decided to take things at a more manageable pace - completely out of character, I know - and only spend an hour or two a day on it. Why? Because things like work and, dammit, life, won't be giving me as much time to focus exclusively on it, and I also want to avoid having my monkey paws turn into monkey claws.

MONKEY CLAWS!

Here's what's gone on today:

Why, Yes, That is My Monkey Toe in the Corner

Hello, art! It's good to see you again. It's been a while since we chatted, but it feels like we just hung out yesterday!

That's right, I'm working on a commission piece, and I'm freaking loving the way it's going. My client saw this piece that I had previously completed, and wanted something similar for her very own.


















So I said, "I can do that", and I am. Below is the foundation work for making something that looks like POW!

Hot damn.

I will be said to see this one go to another home. ACTION HERO!

PS: Yes, that is my monkey toe in the corner.

The Art of the Crush

I've been thinking a lot about art this week. It started with a question on a message board about artists that we've been crushing on recently, and turned into starting work on my own commission for a piece. Which is awesome.

But first, the crush-worthy. Other then the old stand-bys, I am currently loving work that has an animated, illustrated look to it. Enter Tara McPherson. McPherson's work first came to my attention when an old friend's band, The Weekend, got all crazy with their latest album's cover art and contracted lovely Tara to do the work. During a visit to her website, I realized that I had seen Tara's work before in a number of kick ass rockshow posters for bands like Built to Spill and Sleater-Kinney.

Looking around for places to purchase prints to cover my walls with, I came across the Misery Children, a series of oil paintings by Kathy Olivas, and I fell for it all, head over heals. Creepy kids in animal costumes - doesn't get any better then this.

On that thread that I mentioned above, I was introduced to the work of Ray Caesar. So atmospheric and other-wordly and lovely and freakish.

Anyway, I start my second commissioned piece this weekend. Am considering putting the cash towards an original piece by one of the afformentioned art crushes above.

Or, you know, clothes.

Anyway. I'm sure you've noticed that none of the above artists have really done a study involving monkeys. Any suggestions for a new monkey artist that I can pine about?

The Peanut Butter Diaries: Part Three of Three

What is the monkey doing, you may very well be asking. Why, the monkey is napping, contentedly, tastebuds tamed and belly full of banana-y peanut butter goodness.

That's right, children, we tried out the Jungle Banana peanut butter this morning.

The Jungle Banada Peanut Butter Ratings (out of 5)

Expectation: 3
Fear: 4
Post-spooful Satisfaction: 4.5

We have a winner! Opening the jar, I was confronted with what looked to be ordinary peanut butter. Upon first meeting my tastebuds, I was tasting what seemed to be ordinary peanut butter, but, wait, what's that? A delicate, just strong enough banana-y flavour? Why, yes, yes indeed! And yet, I still taste peanut butter? Why, yes, yes I do!

Oh, my.

The monkey, she is tamed.



Rockstar: INXS highlights - Elimination episode

. Jessica stunk it up and forgot lyrics. She's given up, and it's even more sad then when she was actually trying.

. Brandon ASSED it up, and forgot even MORE lyrics, and then "mock" yelled at INXS for making him sing a too difficult song. Hi, that's the job?

. Suzie was capable. And boring.

. Although, thankfully, Brandon got the boot, I wish they had sent Jessica on home with him, though, knowing that they are contractually obligated to a certain number of episodes, I don't reckon a double elimiation will be happening again this season.

. I have a theory that JD is one of those new fangled models of the Terminator. He will never be destroyed! I am just hoping for a blindingly loud and delightful explosion when he finally does go down, in flames, with body parts scattered all about.

The Peanut Butter Diaries: Part Two of Three

I delay gratification for the monkey again this morning. Waiting makes it better! It does, little monkey. You must trust me.

The Sumatra Cinnamon and Raisan Peanut Butter Ratings (out of 5)

Expectation: 4
Fear: 2
Post-spooful Satisfaction: 4

Ohhhh, cinnamon. Cinnamon? I love you. I love you on my raw apples. I love you in my coffee. And baby, I love you in my peanut butter. The only thing detracting you from a perfect satisfaction rating is something, I truly believe, that is completely out of control. While being shuttled over to my longing paws, I do believe you, while resting on your side, were exposed to a wee too much heat, causing all of your possible raisany goodness to migrate on down to its own little segregated area in your jar. So the raisans. Clumped together and a little less moist then they should be, and since the jar was completely full, stirring those suckers back into the peanut butter was a little impossible. I am sure, however, that now my belly has made room for stirring, and my spoon weilding hand has actually done so, that you will be even better then next time we meet.


Rockstar: INXS highlights - Performance episode

. Mig and Ty continue to be the only competitors who don't look, act or sound like they're fronting a coverband specializing in the hits of the 70s, 80s and 90s (inties-inties-inties, echos the radio vioce)

. JD continues to ass it up! Joolz, lady, you need help to battle this attraction. Help, I say!

. My favourite part of the entire show, however, had everything to do with Brandon, who is a spastic, self important moron. Did you see him fling his ugly hat into the audience? Like someone would want to take it home as a souvenir? And then did you witness how it materialized back on top of his head at the end of the show? EXCELLENT.


Oh, I almost forgot! I no longer have monkey toes! Okay, I do, but they're looking so much prettier then their calloused past existence. I got over my fear of people manhandling my feet and recieved my first pedicure yesterday. And now I want to give over responsibility of the beauty of my feet to someone else completely, from here on in, forever and ever, the end.

The Peanut Butter Diaries: Part One of Three

This morning I was greeted by a difficult, yet lovely, decision to make. Which peanut butter would I crack into first? The monkey, jumping up and down, screeching, demanded the Jungle Banana. I like to see the monkey hyper and demanding, so I put the kibosh on his demands, and broke open the Asian Curry instead.

Be calm, little monkey, be calm. Your time will come.

The Asian Curry Peanut Butter Ratings (out of 5)

Expectation: 5
Fear: 4
Post-spooful Satisfaction: 3

PB Loco uses a really lovely and rich peanut butter base. They do, really. Unfortunately, it was just a little over-powered by the yellow curry spices mixed into it's excellence. While I wanted a peanut butter with curry undertones, I got a curry with peanut butter undertones.

But who am I kidding? I'll still eat it by the spoonful. Because I am in love with the peanut butter.

That being said, let's talk about something completely different. Rockstar: INXS anyone? The in-the-house recap episodes are seriously even more funny then the performance and elimination shows. WHO KNEW THAT WAS POSSIBLE?

Recap of last night's hilarity:

* Ty sobbing at the dinner table over the fact that he's the only black competitor, which, I am sure, is just a ploy to the viewing audience to make sure they feel for him and will continue to vote for him, and then claiming "No Woman, No Cry" to sing this week because he's black. What?

* The competitors continuing to call themselves "rockers"

* Jordis' ugly boyfriend

* JD's continual assoholic, childish beahviour, and his insistance that he's not being an ass, or a child, because he knows that INXS would never choose him if he was. Dude, I'd love to see what he's like when he admits that he's being a moron.

Until tonight's episode (and tomorrow morning's new peanut butter tasting)!

One Little Monkey, Jumping On The Bed

In excitement! Why? BECAUSE THE PEANUT BUTTER ARRIVED. 10 days after the long end of its estimated delivery time, but IT ARRIVED.

I love peanut butter. As does the little monkey jumping up and down on the bed inside my head.

I just don't know where to start. Asian Curry? Sumatra Cinnamon & Raisan? JUNGLE BANANA (screams the monkey)? The choices! They delight and deafen me!

Okay, the monkey is deafening me. But in a most delightful manner.

Oh, Derek and Hansel, Leave the Machine Alone!

Oh, man, I am watching Zoolander for the upteenth time. How can Derek deal with his miniscule phone, and yet ape out on an IMAC?

"They're IN the computer?...In the computer. It's so simple."

Duuude.

Bananas are Best Kept Cold

All fruit, really. Trust me on this. There's nothing finer then waking up in the morning, padding on down to the kitchen, and biting into a through-and-through cold banana grabbed straight out of the fridge.

Damn straight.

A peanut butter angst update: Peanut butter was shipped from Minnesota on July 26. It left Chicago on July 27. It arrived in Mississauga yesterday. IT WILL BE AT MY HOME ON MONDAY.

It is killing me, just a little, that it's 20 minutes down the road and I can't go and pick it up.

PS: My midget monkey feet are in much need of a pedicure. I have never had one before, though I am determined to get someone who is not me to get rid of the calousy grossness toute-suite.

Fridays Mean Monkey Yoga

They do, indeed.

I have a habit of making fun for myself. This oftentimes includes renaming things until they're funny, and saying them often enough so that the people that surround me start referring to them by their not-name as well.

Example:

"Hey Melissa, we should start using this program called Basecamp"
"What? Spacecamp? That's AWESOME!"

...later on that week...

"Hey Melissa, what do you think about Spacecamp?"

Ha! Excellent.

So anyway, a co-worker turned me on to bikram yoga at a studio located conveniently close to my office. The studio is named Moksha Yoga. Which lovely, and easily, has become Monkey Yoga.

Even more excellent.

Yes, Monkeys Live in My Computer

And they are wildly playful. Unfortunately, my home-bound monkeys don't seem to play well with my work-y, laptop monkeys, and even an hour and a half spent, on the phone, with a friend who may be part robot, cannot seem to get them to remember how to play nice together over a wireless network.

It stinks. I hate seeing my lovely little friends at odds with each other.

Take Your Monkey to Work Day

Indeed, it is, and indeed, I did. In fact, I brought three of them along with me today, and I must say, they behaved themselves in a surprising, and verily, delightful manner. The monkeys? They're good for the soul, and these three lovely kids remind me, whenever they walk along with me, to be less evil.

That can only be a good thing, no?

Indeed, It Is

Oh, monkey, how I love you. Do you love me too? Shall we run into the jungle and eat bananas together?

I must tell you, little monkey, that I cannot wait until my Jungle Banana peanut butter from PB Loco arrives. You must promise me, however, that you won't grab the jar, grasp it tightly to your chest, and run away into the trees with it. Because I bought it for me too, you know.

Mojo, I will pray for you if you pray for me.